Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Going #2

I never had younger siblings, so as a child I didn't have the opportunity to fully realize my most likely awesome potential as an instructor. Now that I am a wealthy, wildly successful adult I have the Internet, where I get to teach, praise, and even taunt freely and without fear of parental interruption or retribution. While I do have a surfeit of wisdom I could share, much like the greedy, maladjusted middle child I would have been, I have chosen merely one to delve into online.

This one topic is of course, cycling. As you may well be aware, I have been gracious enough to grant front row admission to my epic, coming-of-age journey of becoming a serious, amateur, dedicated (or S.A.D.) cyclist. I have been doubly generous in condensing and dispensing indispensable cycling sapience. Coinciding with my unapologetically ingenuous internet simulacrum and coupled with my passionate exhibitionism, I wish to squeeze off yet another glossy pearl of wisdom to adorn the collective bare heaving chest of my adoring audience.

Like losing your virginity, my first tip probably left many uncomfortable, confused, and with Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" stuck in your head. Why bother investing so much in something which real reprocussions include a 10PM bedtime and ingrown crotch hairs? Yes, cycling is unnecessary, painful, and brutally spirit crushing, but so is nearly every endeavor other than breathing oxygen and procreating. I could go into a lengthy discourse about the falsity of the American dream, of the hopeless persistence of suburban anomie, of self-induced existential dilemmas, but it is already 9 o'clock PM and I have to get up really, really early to ride tomorrow. So here is where the real carrot stick lies, why serious cycling has such an immediate allure.

More tersely, here's my Tip #2:

As a beginner, you will advance faster than any other time. Every month you learn new things, become stronger, smarter, faster, better looking. In the first six months of serious riding it's possible to double endurance, to shave substantial chunks of time off the same ride, and to rapidly increase muscle and lung function. You can progress from gooey fetus to full-blown, bedwetting, phallic-stage penis-envy toddler in the course of a year. When you've only been riding for seven months, even on your crap days you can tell yourself, "I'm not as crap as I was 3 months ago". And unlike pathetic rationalizations of poor performance in other areas of your crap life, you won't be lying this time.

Happy riding!