Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mo' money, mo' problems.

As some of my more loyal readers may know, I was the luckless recipient of serious crash related injuries earlier this summer. I was new to the city. I had no job and few friends and very little funds even to meet my basic needs of food, shelter, and bicycle upgrades. A thoroughly hapless fall crumpled me into a misshapen ball, like origami folded by a quadriplegic. This happened in a forest where there isn't car access or cellphone service. As I could not move, I could not leave the park. And as I was new to town, I really had no one to call to get me; and with the lack of car access it would not have done much good anyhow. An ambulance came but the thing about ambulances is they simply will not- even with sufficient reason-based arguments and sophisticated persuasion- just take you to your house. So I went to a hospital, got out three days later, spent another few weeks feeling like garbage, and here I am now- A true survivor! Why this recap? I wanted to give some sobering advice: Stop drinking so much.

The real advice is to never, ever, ever get into an accident and be picked up by an ambulance and stay in the hospital for a few days and be penniless, jobless, and insurance less. Unless of course you have a spare 69,0028 dollars burning a hole in your diamond-encrusted, endangered species pelt pocket; in that case be my guest. Also in that case: Fur is murder- and have you read anything about diamond trading and mining, you politically impassive caveman Liberace turd?

The good news is that in Philadelphia if you happen to be unemployed at the time of an emergency hospitalization, your bills get paid by a combination of Charity funds and medicare*. I ended up only being billed 150$; that's like a 4.6% co-pay. I don't think my legitimate insurance can offer that small a percent. It's more of a "No money? No problem!" system. As somebody who plans on being destitute and in and out of employment for the next few years, I find this system particularly reassuring.

Why would somebody like me, with excessive talents, skills, and resources, plan on being grossly underemployed and impoverished for the next few years? Through cunning and inescapable charm I duped an unwitting University to lavish fantastic scholastics upon me for the next five or so years. I won't bore you with the haughty details, but let's just say in a few years my full and proper appellation will be rife with with gravity-lending acronyms. Hopefully I will remain on the business end of the health care system this fall.

{*Special thanks to the taxpayers of Philadelphia}